Blessed Open Conflict

Author: Mark Fenstermacher
October 15, 2021

I was raised in a home where open conflict was almost always seen as a failure of character of faith. So there was a tendency not to say what we were really thinking, feeling or wanting.

It may be helpful for you to know that as you try to understand why I, as a middle aged man and pastor, was walking around on eggshells with a friend who happened to be my Associate Pastor. Our friendship went back years, but the truth is that it sometimes seemed like we were on separate pages when it came to leading and serving our congregation.

Both of us, I think, began to sense a gap not only in how we were leading but in our friendship. We were both smiling. We were both polite. But something was wrong and yet we kept pretending things were fine. Both of us avoiding the risk of open conflict and disagreement. We didn’t want conflict to wreck our partnership, our friendship or get in the way of the mission of the church we loved.

Finally, though, the truth—and the conflict—came out in a most unexpected way. My friend, the pastor with whom I was serving, interrupted a staff meeting to apologize to me. He laid out in front of the entire staff some decisions he had made which ran counter to the plans we had made. “I’ve not honored your leadership or kept faith with our vision of where the church is going,” he said. The entire staff sat there in stunned silence. First, there was a sense of shock. Second, there was a palpable sense of relief that the real issues were finally on the table and not being shoved in a closet. We could all breathe and be honest. Recognize where we were and name it!

I will always be thankful for my friend’s courage. I will always be thankful that he took the risk of blowing things up by speaking the truth. By his willingness to do that, we could finally get at what I had been hoping we could avoid.

Here is the thing: his honesty allowed me to be honest. After the staff meeting, we went back to my office and had an honest, loving, passionate conversation. Things we had each been thinking or feeling, for months and years, were finally said. It was a mess. For just a little while. And then it was the best thing that could have happened.

Do you know what? The best part of that ministry chapter happened after the conflict was dealt with in a respectful, non-personal, honest way. Our earnest efforts to avoid conflict by avoiding being honest did far more harm to our friendship and the church than healthy, open conflict.

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One of the reasons why Jesus and Simon Peter had such a great relationship is that they were honest with one another. We see this in the 16th chapter of Matthew as Simon Peter loudly rebukes Jesus for talking about dying in Jerusalem, and Jesus then rebukes Peter. The Teacher even calls his friend “Satan.” Jesus and the Rock have it out, are clear with one another, and then they go on towards the capital city. They work through the plan honestly. They are direct with one another. They don’t triangle and tell other people what they should be telling each other.

There is a lesson in this for us, I think, about risking honesty in a loving way with one another. A friend who happens to be a therapist says that no relationship is really real, healthy or intimate until the parties have worked through conflict. 

So risk honesty. Even if it brings conflict into your life. Because dishonesty driven by a need to avoid all conflict can keep you from living your best life. On the other side of honesty there may be conflict but there can also be a better, healthier world.

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(Our church staff is working through Patrick Lencioni’s “Overcoming the Five Dysfunctions of a Team.” These weekly articles are dealing with some of the core lessons shared by Lencioni. Last week we talked about trust. Today we are talking about honesty and healthy conflict. Next week we’ll explore how honesty can lead to a deeper shared commitment to a common mission.)

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• October is Pastor Appreciation Month. I think I can speak for Pastor Nikki as I say that we both are so blessed to serve Christ with you here at First UMC-Auburn. Thank you to those who have offered kind words, notes, and to the Staff Parish Relations Committee for the cookies!
• Please note the opportunity for you to be a part of something cool with “Trunk and Treat” on the 24th.
• A great opportunity to assist our Afghan friends has been shared with us by our Missions Committee. Do what you can today!
• We have three new adult groups on Sunday morning at 10 a.m. Connect with others and God in one of our Sunday school groups. The three new groups are The Front Porch (a new lesson each week designed for those who may be here one week and gone the next), The Breakfast Club (for parents of young children), and Cover to Cover (a book group that meets every other week).
• Join us for worship Sunday at 8:45 or 10:45 a.m. (either on-line or in-person) as we praise God, let the Spirit renew/remake us, and explore the reality that faith takes time.

In Christ and for Christ,
Pastor Mark

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